I'm stuck

I can't shake this feeling out of my core. It's always there, I can't avoid it, I can't push it out, I cannot make it go away. It's with me everywhere I go. My heart bleeds with the agony of it, and there doesn't seem to be any solution to it. I tried so hard to make it work. I wanted to be rid of this feeling so badly that I pushed and pushed until I pushed you away. Now, I'm back where I started and I'm back to feeling this incessant pull towards the very depth of my bones.
Cold. I'm always so cold. Down to the bottom of my feet, I feel cold with loneliness. Waking up is the worst. With morning brings the same feelings of incredible defeat. I'm walking upside down, with my head farther and farther away from my heart. My hands ache for the feel of an understanding grip.

Terrified. I'm completely terrified to leave this place, the place of my bullshit excuse for a childhood. I find a sketchy stability between the walls of my peers.

Anxiety. Constantly ebbing around my feeble skin, it rarely leaves me to any peace. I find myself with less and less reasons to continue everyday. School, work, family and friends? I don't contribute, anything. If I were to die, people would mourn. There would be tears, and there would be sadness. But what do I do now that someone else couldn't? What comfort do I provide? My contributions are weak, and forever limited. I'm a terrible friend; I'm always so absorbed in my own problems that I fail to see anyone else's.

Do not comfort me; the last thing I want is pity, and although reassurance is necessary, it is futile at this point.

I miss you. I miss you every single day of my life and I can't shake the thought out of my head that maybe, just maybe, life would be that much easier if you were around. Infinitely, I am destined to fall to shame.