"and it all boils down to one quotable phrase, if you love something, give it away."
So much feeling, and emotion, and just raw heart, but I'm not even sure what to write down. I sort of told Dakota how I felt about him. If anything, I confirmed what anyone else had said. I really, really like him. There's something about him that is so...appealing, I can't seem to give up my crush. I'm really good at doing that, too. I realize what I can't have, and move on. Something is obviously different this time. I don't know what to do. I don't wait on anyone, EVER. I know ***st**likes him too, so that just makes my feelings that more complicated. I don't know what's wrong with me. I want to wait for him, but I'm pretty sure it's killing me. I'm so drained of legit emotion lately, I don't know how I could like anyone. I don't consider frustration, or excessive whining to be an emotion, and lately, that's all I am made up of. It's so irritating to be so full of anger, but devoid of any actual love.
My mother and I officially hate eachother. She told me, too. "I made the choice when I was 17 to have you and your sisters, and I don't worry, Miranda. I'm paying for it now." How cute, right? I swear, as hard as I try to deflect every Goddamn thing she says to me, all I can think of before I fall asleep is what she says. Her words ring in my ears like a mother fucking song. Not a good one, either. An annoying one with a cheesy, fake meaning.
Hannah and I are good. So relieving. Our lack of friendship, just sitting on my back, all the time, was really stressing me out, and I'm so glad that we've made up. There's still some trust issues, I'm sure of it, but with patience, I think we'll be okay.
Kirstie hasn't been around in a minute. Between school and home stress, I've been so packed with work. I miss her like crazy though. Seperation anxiety is a definite.
Stephany and I are, like, half and half, I think. One minute, we're closer than shit, nothing left to say, because we tell eachother everything. The next, I hate her. The stunt she pulled last weekend almost killed me. I was so hurt, and I'm not even sure why. It wasn't even that big of a deal, obviously, because she didn't even think she did anything wrong. But of all of her shitty friends, the first person she doubts when it comes to trust is me? Hell no. I had no phone/internet last week either, so I couldn't really talk to her about it, and by the time Thanksgiving weekend was over, it was pretty much done. Ugh. I hated last weekend.
Taeler and I are close-er, I guess. We talk just as often, and occasionally hang out. She'll always be one of my best friends, but I'm not sure how long this cycle will last. I guess I'll just wait it out. I don't really care, either way, I always get over it.
Judy wrote me a message via myspace. It basically apoligized some more about our previous arguments, and she called me a good person, and a good friend. She's a really sweet girl, I just don't know how "chill" we'll ever be. It's whatever, it always is.
Cynthia. I don't even know how to act around her anymore. She hasn't done anything to me, at all, [lately], but I'm so resentful towards her. It's not healthy, at all, because she genuinely cares about me. It's not fair to her.
gassssh. I feel like all I do is bitch about peopleo on these things. Good thing I don't write too often. Okay, a few more things.
book: Twilight, the series. OMFGZ. I creamed my undies, several times.
music: I'm rediscovering Manchester Orchestra, so they are a must. Along with Feist and Elliott Smith, it's all I really listen to. Oooh, and Azure Ray. Unbelieveable.
website: Kirstie told me about PostSecret the other day. It's pretty cool.
OH, btw. New bffflz, Megan. She's a nice change from all my other typical friends. I get so tired of people, then I talk to this girl, and I think, goood. I'm not crazy, other people think like me!
hahah, ttfn(:
Okay, there isn't much going on right now. A few updates, but nothing too important. For one, I finally told Kirstie about what happened with Cody. 'nuff said right there, but I cannot even express how relieved I feel to have told her. She's practically my sister, and it was killing me to keep something that huge hidden from her. Next update, I'm doing amazingly better with Hannah. We speak, daily, mind you, and I think I can say we're friends again. Not BFFLZ, but we're defintiely going somewhere.
Home is okay. Kirsite helps out a lot, she's here almost every damn day. It's pretty fantastic. My mom and I fight, a lot, but I think we're doing better. I'm a selfish little shit, I know, but sometimes, I just hate being at home. Nothing particularly wrong with it, but, I'm still mildly unhappy, and I don't know how to fix it.
I still haven't told you-know- they how I feel yet. I want to, SO BAD, but I have no courage. I think I'm just gonna have to tell someone with a big mouth, so they can spread it around(:
pansy, that's me.
It's been a very, very long time since any sort of decent update. So much has happened, the best thing for me to do is BULLET!!
•I started school(I can't remember if I said that earlier or not, oh well).
•Cynthia and I are speaking again. We aren't BFFLZ, but we're on good terms. It's something I think I wanted, contrary to what I might have said before. I missed her, that much was apparent, but how much has yet to unfold.
•Kirstie and I: Tight as fuck. She's like my big sister, she's probably the coolest person I know. I can tell that girl anything, she understands everything about me. It's absolutely ridiculous. She has one flaw; she's related to her hot ass brother D;
•Still not speaking to Hannah, no change there. I'm not really making an effort anymore, but I'm pretty sad that we're not friends anymore. I stand by my actions, and I guess she stands by hers. It sucks, bad, but it's whatever.
•Steph and I are okay, I think. She's having hellza problems, and I'm trying to just be there, without really pushing her. She tells me enough to where I think she's okay, but I really don't know, I just have to wait it out. She stayed with me for a couple of days, and that was pretty tight. Her and Kirstie are here non fucking stop, it's insane. My house is like a damn shelter.
•School's pretty good. I enjoy most of my classes, and I'm doing pretty well so far. Three weeks in, and I still have straight A's. Go me. Except Psyche. B? WTF. hahahha.
•I'm still talking to Adam; everything is pretty awesome there. I miss him a lot though, we don't talk as often as we used to because of school, and our serious time zones, haha.
•I have a new crush! GO ME! He's pretty fantastic, but we'll have to see how things work out. Just when I think I've got him figured out, he decides spontaneouty should be present! ahahah.
I guess that's it for now. I'm out, I have school tomorrow, and it's already 1034!
I feel really shaken up right now. The past couple of days have been a mixture of awesome and horrible, and I can't even tell you why. I spent the weekend with Kirstie, it was awesome. I love being around that girl, it's amazing. She's so optimistic, and happy. She knows what pain is, and is that much more optimistic about life and her future. Not to mention her gorgeous brother and adorable dogs. Just being there made me feel apart of a family again, and I am so tired of mine.
I move on Monday. I start Arbor on Tuesday, if all goes according to plan. My mom is really pissing me off. She's treating me like shit, and I've done not a damn thing to deserve it. I hate her right now, and I could care less about her feelings. I'm going to be 17 years old, and her excuse for not letting me go to Kirstie's today AND YESTERDAY is that she has a 16 year old brother, and she knows how they can be. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I wanted to slit my wrists. uhhhhhhhhhh, MOM? FUCK YOU. Ahhhhlakfjdfs.
I need a ciggarette so bad. I think Dani feels more guilty then usual, because she hasn't bought me a pack in days. That's all I need is for my aunt to stop giving me cigggs. Then I'm really fucked.
I want so bad to write something solid, something meaningful, but all I can do is complain.
OH. Speaking of complaining, I could fucking kill Stephany. She neglected to tell me something very, VERY serious, and her excuse was that she couldn't find the time. FUCK HER. She's got something going on, and I want to know, I want to support her, SHE KNOWS THIS, but she can't find the time?
I need new friends.
Not too much to say about the past few days; considering how often I update, I guess that's no big. I accomplished and/or made a few decisions.
•I talked to Hannah. I'm still not sure where things stand with us, but I least we talked.
•I've decided that I'm not going to be able to be friends with Cynthia. She's made no effort to speak with me; I've made two. I hate things where they are, but if she doesn't, then I don't need to be wasting my time with it.
•No more drinking - period. I'll see if I can keep this one, but I hope so.
to be made...
•Go to Arbor.
•Cont. speaking with Adam.
•Audition for LVA 08-09
decisions, decisions, decisions.
Song of the moment - Staplegunned, The Spill Canvas
“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.”
Okay, so this past weekend was muy bueno. I went to a party with Liv, and I played with Stephany and Brandon! Good times. Sue's party was w/e, I'm glad I was invited, but it's not really my crowd. I didn't really drink, and everyone was either coupled or wayyy too young, so I was pretty bored.
I'm starting to lay off the drinking scene. Yeah, I'll have a beer, but I'm not down for being shit faced.
Uhh, on today I was with Stephany. I went to her house in the morning, and then we pretty much hung out all day. We had lunch at Timber's, tea at Starbuck's, and we hung out with Brandon for a bit. I made her late for work, which is always fun, and she had BAD seed stories from Saturday and Friday. I was a good kid though[: Light smoking, and no drinking. I spent the rest of the day with Brandon, had Starbuck's AGAIN, and then went to the park. Me and Marbrol menthols had some words, and then I talk to Adam :D I swear to God, it is so easy for me to talk to him. Not to mention he pretty much pwns the conversation by singing to me, so I definitely love it !
I did what I could to smoothe things over with Devon. I hate it when people don't like me, so I apologized the best I could. I tried to explain that I didn't talk any trash about Nate, her, or anything, but she'll believe what she wants. I did my best [:!
I'm still not talking to Cynthia or Hannah. Hannah is plain out ignoring me, while Cynthia just doesn't care, I think. I guess she told Stephany she thinks we'll probably be friends again? huh. I don't know. We'll see what happens, I guess. However, I don't want to see what happens with Hannah. Damn it, I want to fix this already, but I don't know how. I'll figure it out, but it's really frustrating.
huhhhhlsajf.
I guess that's all for now.
Right now, I feel terrible. My eyes are sore, and I can't keep them open for more then a few seconds. Blinking excessively, I'm trying to est. how I feel right now. First word that comes to mind? Alone. Second? Tense. I'm too tired for a third, but if I did, it'd be along the lines of stressed.
In a few weeks, we're moving to our new house. I doubt I'll ever call another place 'home' again, but at least it's near my friends, what little I have left of them, anyway.
I don't know what's wrong with me. Over the past few days, I've been so...BLAH. I can't sleep, but I can't do anything other than lay around either. I can't write anything remotely creative, but I can bitch like nobody's business. Point taken, apparently. Anyway, I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm not optimistic about moving, at all. I want new friends, because my old ones are pissing me off, ex. Stephany, though she seems to be just as much of a wreck as I am these days.
What's really killing me though, is my music. I absolutely cannot write. Nothing comes clear, or even remotely 'me', you know? Like, I feel like I'm just taking the thoughts of someone else, none of these words are mine!! I don't sound so cold, so heartless. Whenever I write, I have a person in mind, be my mom, or a friend, or just the fucking postman! Shit, I'm so cynical and angry all the time, all I want to do is blame someone else, but I know the only person I can actually blame is myself. Even if I didn't do anything wrong.
I'm really frustrated with myself. I feel like I have no goddamn control over anything I do. I can't go where I please, talk to whom I wish, I can't fucking do anything. Everyone I've ever loved has turned their back on me, and for what? A lousy football game? Are you kidding me? SEE? Look at me, I can't even write single subject paragraphs.
Damnit, I'm falling apart. And the worst part? I'm aware of it. I really envy Taeler at times like these. No attachments, no pain. But shit. Don't you get lonely sometimes?
It's been a while since any recent post. Sorry /: I've had so much going on lately, with my life and to be blunt,
I'm very, very sick of it. I feel like I've lost all my friends, and to top it off, I feel like my family is putting me on the outside too.
Okay, let's start from the semi beginning. I had plans to attend homecoming with Hannah, Cynthia, and Alyssa. We can pretty much drop Lys from this story, because I don't really know her that well, and I have nothing but nice things to say about her. She's sweet, giving, and definitely a good friend to Hannah. As far as I'm concerned, she's cool. So, on Friday, we get out nails done, etc. and meet up at the game. Game = horrific. In my opinion, others might have had a blast, but it was down right wretched for me. Hannah gets very, very angry with me because I spend much of my time there with Taeler, who decided to come at the last minute.
sidenote: Taeler and I have a strained relationship. Sometimes we like each other, other times I'd like nothing better but to kill her. Love/Hate relationship, me providing most of the love.
Anyway, Hannah's is furious, not only that I'm with her, but that "I have the nerve to bring her over to where they're sitting to ruin her good time." alfjsldaj. There are a million things wrong with that statement. For one, I have NO control over what Taeler decides to do, and if that is to follow me, so be it. I definitely think that Hannah over reacted, but I wish I'd have handled the situation better, because we haven't spoken in days, and that's starting to take a toll on me. I don't feel I did anything wrong, but at the same time, I don't think our friendship can resume until one of us apologizes. I guess I'm gonna have to man up to it, because I miss talkin' to that kid already.
As if that wasn't bad enough, this girl Devon has a very, very major problem with me. She's under the impression that I "talk shit" about her, and that all I am is a "shit talker". She confronted me very violently at homecoming, screaming and bitching. I don't like bitching, but I did my best to handle it calmly. I've never held more than a conversation with that girl, let alone actually take an effort to talk negatively about her. I wish I could convince her otherwise, but, I'm thinking that's damn near impossible, and I refuse to apologize for something I didn't do. I regret hooking up with her ex, in more ways than one, but, can she really hate me for that? Apparently so. It was a ridiculous night, all in all. Judy definitely showed her two-faced side that night, as did Cynthia.
Cynthia, I saw coming. Her behavior was entirely expected. She turned on me faster than the wind, and I wish I had been a little more prepared for it. Withing minutes, she stopped talking to me, moved me from 1 to 8 on her top, and, with the request of Devon, she took me off her heroes section. Petty, I know, but damn. At least don't make it obvious that you're only doing because of someone else(Btw, guess who took my spot? HAHA >:|). Whatever, I guess. I'd still defend her, given the opportunity, but, like they say: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I won't be making this mistake again.
I think, the strangest part of the entire night, was that Taeler stuck by my side. Even when Hannah was screaming and crying, and after Devon and Judy almost tackled me with harsh words, she was just like, "Want to go?" And we did. She could have left, continued hating on me with everyone else, but, she didn't. I'm positive she talked shit about me this week, joining the campaign against my removal from society, but, what mattered was that I wasn't completely alone that night. Brownie points for that, at least.
Stephany, at least, has manage to stick around. She talks to me everyday, always comforting me. I appreciate that more than anything, because my friend supply is limited. If it weren't for Charlene, I'd have been completely alone.
I'm really considering not going to Arbor when I move back home. We're scheduled to move in about two weeks, maybe less, but I don't want to come back to that drama. I hate homeschooling, don't get me wrong, but I didn't really love school while I was there, either. I just miss it now that I'm not there. But in all honesty, I don't think I belong there. I want to be surrounded by friends, people who love me, not people who are going to talk shit and only like me when it benefits them. Stephany says to just fuck 'em all, and to just go for me, not them. As much as I don't care, I really, really do care what people think of me, and if everyone doesn't like me, then, I need to do what's best for me. I need remove myself from that kind of environment.
Right now, I'm sitting at school. Odyssey Online Charter School ): The Fuck!
Okay, update. Hannah and Cynthia invited me to homecoming with them. Chances of me going? Slim, but I'm still going to try. I'm schuduled to go dress shopping today, but I still haven't even asked permission for the actual event, so that's probably a no. Whatever, either way, I'm going to try.
This weekend wasn't half bad. I went to Liv's on Saturday, and I spent most of Sunday with Stephany. PLUS I still have some of my Kools left over. Talk about moderation. However, sometime over the weekend, I developed a sickness of sorts. I keep throwing up after I eat. Luckily, thought it's only fast food when it happens.
Yesterday, I got pretty irritated, and semi-upset, for no good reason. Even worse? It was myspace related. Whatever. I keep feeling inferior to Judy, and I don't know why. It's ridiculous, and I can't even think of a good reason why. I just get the feeling that, once again, my best friend is passing me up for someone else. Blehhaslkdfjl;.
On happier note, I couldn't be more proud of Cynthia. This whole shit is down right stupid, but she's taking it very well. Like I was telling Hannah, nobody can change who Taeler is. If that's how she feels, so be it, but I just think there could of been a better way of going around and DUMPING your friends. That's all.
Alright. So as of right now, I'm sitting at Alivia's computer. I've drank way too much, and not to mention that this smoking thing is getting ridiculous. Whatever. Break one habit at a time, right? Hah.
On my mind right now, is so many things, it's hard to address them all. I feel like everything in my head is rushing to come out too fast, and I can't get it out fast enough. Slow down brain!
First is first. I'm so content with how I'm maintaining all of my relationships right now. I think I'm doing really well. I manage to stay insanely close to Cynthia, even though I haven't seen her in months. I keep things going great w/ Kirstie, even though it's been longer, and we usually only talk over myspace. With the best friend, things are great. We talk much more, and I continue to share everything with her, and she continues to NOT tell anyone. Stephany remains to be the only person who manages to stick around. Talk about trust. I've learned to deal with Taeler, and I put Dani so far behind me, anyone could be proud. I miss others, but it's just what I'm going to have deal with through time. If my friends are as true to me as they claim to be, then space and time won't affect us.
Not being at school, is pretty much killing me. I just want to be there. I want to go to class, take notes, do HOMEwork, and study for a test. I want to go to lunch, the library, and be active in school. I miss forensics like nobody's buisness, and not being in theatre really hurts my skill.
However, being in that godforsaken apartment all day long, is actually starting to turn up for me. My days are simple, yet strangely satisfying. Library, Starbucks, walk, Starbuck's, Trader Joe's, etc., etc. I stay 'busy' and I stay semi-happy.
I think that anything I'm going through right now, whatever anyone could hurl at me, in the end, it's only going to make me so much stronger. I feel different, too. I'm not nearly as dependent as I used to be, for anyone, really. Yes, I miss my friends, but no, I don't need them to survive, or whatever. I'm content with living off myself.
I've decided that I need to revaluate everything I live for, because a lot of things don't add up. They're people in my life who just don't benefit me, or don't provide for me, or really do anything for me at all. When companionship isn't enough, what does that leave you with?
