I'm not ready to relinquish my memories of you, just yet.
You're off, creating new ones, mixing old ones.
I can still remember the way you taste,
and what your breath felt like on my neck.
I want so bad to just forget us, like you have.
Why you're permitted peace of mind, and I'm not, I just don't know.
I'm not the first to say that this just isn't fair.
I'm 18 in a little more than a week - I'm so completely terrified. I've felt the changes of adulthood for months now; gradual stress that I'm going to have for the rest of my life. I'm not looking at age as a positive thing anymore; I just feel that much closer to death every year.
Hell Hole this weekend - I'm fairly excited. If everything goes as planned, it's going to be Hannah, Ian, Jesse and I. Possibly Dylan and Lauren, just depending on what happens. Lauren's got a curfew and I'm just not down for group sleepovers where I debate whether or not to take the couch. It should be a good time.
I think I'm doing pretty well, as far as Ian is concerned. Definitely not over it, but I'm progressing. Occasionally, I notice how much I just haven't been thinking about him. My concern for him as drifted into a general, friendly one. I've got weak moments; tonight was one of them. I can deal with Rae, on my own. She's sweet. I can deal with Ian, on my own. He's one of my best friends. Them, together, interacting? Half of me wants to blow chunks, the half wants to go into a murderous rampage. Then I'm over it and I just get moody. Lauren's definitely helped a lot though; not in a motivational way, but just in a supportive way. She's always got me distracted, which is nice. Jesse's great, too. It's a relief to have him around - I appreciate his humor.
I'm moving in with my Dad this summer. Also scary. But I get this feeling that it's going to work out. He's getting me a car, which was my main argument, as far as not living with him went. Now, I really don't have any excuse not to.
I think I'm going to start speaking to a therapist soon. I don't want to be on meds again, but if it will help my anxiety and tone down my moods, then I think it'll be worth it. I'm just tired of feeling so defeated and unproductive. Maybe it'll help /:
Warped Tour! YaY! Enough said :D
Graduation - I'm so unbelievably excited. I'm graduating, I'm done with high school, I'm ready for college. I'm ready to start my life, the way I want to.
I considered writing some more tonight. I guess I just needed a vent. Night.