I keep waiting for things to get better and it keeps not happening.
I have a boyfriend. His name is Jesse, but my best friend insists that he is Barrack. He is awesome.
I'm not going to school. It's killing me.
Summer's over and September is here. I love September. I hope I love it this year.
I wish it was next summer so it could be time to move to WA.
It's been a minute.
There's far too much to update on, but here's the gist:
I'm trying to desperately to find an apartment. I make enough money, I have roommates, but I need credit to do anything, and I can't, because I don't have any ):
So I'm moving in with my dad, soon. I don't want to, mainly because I want to do my own thing and not have to deal with his girlfriend, but whatever, I guess. I'll be able to save money and drive, which is a major plus, I guess.
Side note? Paige just got a cellphone. Kill me, now.
Anyway. Work sucks. Hours are good, pay is better, but I hate that job with my entire core.
Ian and I aren't even friends anymore. It's crazy to think how much has changed in less than a year.
I guess that's it. Life still sucks, no change from last update.
:)
Ps, BMTH and Every Time I Die in September. I'm excited!
I shouldn't be awake. I have work at 8 tomorrow.
I'm exhausted.
I'm crazy.
x445456478
I've given up, I'm done.
Apartment next month. I'm terrified.
I'm going to start looking for a new job fairly soon. I'm also terrified to do that.
I'm a big, fat, scaredy cat.
xx
I'm done feeling so worthless.
and so defeated.
and I feel like this all the time.
I just don't care who sees it anymore.
I'm graduating.
I'm 18.
Ian wants me back.
Summer usually brings me simplicity, and the worst I usually have to complain about is the lack of parties and the ridiculous heat.
It's been overcast for three days and I have no desire to party.
I still can't wrap the term 'boyfriend' around my head.
My mom isn't coming to my graduation, but she wants to but the dvd. As if that shows any sense of remorse for how things are. She keeps saying I chose a side. I didn't, I swear. But if I did choose a side, I finally chose my own damn side.
I haven't seen Ian for a few days.
I wonder if I can kiss him yet.
xx
The countdown is on :)
18 is on Sunday!
We're so cute :>
Unity!
Art's Fest!
I'm back to being mad @ Ian!
LOL
<3
I'm not ready to relinquish my memories of you, just yet.
You're off, creating new ones, mixing old ones.
I can still remember the way you taste,
and what your breath felt like on my neck.
I want so bad to just forget us, like you have.
Why you're permitted peace of mind, and I'm not, I just don't know.
I'm not the first to say that this just isn't fair.
I'm 18 in a little more than a week - I'm so completely terrified. I've felt the changes of adulthood for months now; gradual stress that I'm going to have for the rest of my life. I'm not looking at age as a positive thing anymore; I just feel that much closer to death every year.
Hell Hole this weekend - I'm fairly excited. If everything goes as planned, it's going to be Hannah, Ian, Jesse and I. Possibly Dylan and Lauren, just depending on what happens. Lauren's got a curfew and I'm just not down for group sleepovers where I debate whether or not to take the couch. It should be a good time.
I think I'm doing pretty well, as far as Ian is concerned. Definitely not over it, but I'm progressing. Occasionally, I notice how much I just haven't been thinking about him. My concern for him as drifted into a general, friendly one. I've got weak moments; tonight was one of them. I can deal with Rae, on my own. She's sweet. I can deal with Ian, on my own. He's one of my best friends. Them, together, interacting? Half of me wants to blow chunks, the half wants to go into a murderous rampage. Then I'm over it and I just get moody. Lauren's definitely helped a lot though; not in a motivational way, but just in a supportive way. She's always got me distracted, which is nice. Jesse's great, too. It's a relief to have him around - I appreciate his humor.
I'm moving in with my Dad this summer. Also scary. But I get this feeling that it's going to work out. He's getting me a car, which was my main argument, as far as not living with him went. Now, I really don't have any excuse not to.
I think I'm going to start speaking to a therapist soon. I don't want to be on meds again, but if it will help my anxiety and tone down my moods, then I think it'll be worth it. I'm just tired of feeling so defeated and unproductive. Maybe it'll help /:
Warped Tour! YaY! Enough said :D
Graduation - I'm so unbelievably excited. I'm graduating, I'm done with high school, I'm ready for college. I'm ready to start my life, the way I want to.
I considered writing some more tonight. I guess I just needed a vent. Night.
fails me.
"I'm done." The air around her was dry, and the weather just didn't seem compatible with her mood. Clouds loomed overhead, tempting the earth with humidity as the dark glow of the night surrounded her. Wind silently shook the trees and a breeze blew through the yard. Leaves were scattered across the grass, remnants of a winter's pass.
Sweat trickled at her brow, though it was far from hot outside. The weight of her thoughts pressed against the inside of her body, pushing to get out. The pressure was almost unbearable. She scratched at her arms, as if she could rip the skin that held her utmost feelings inside and release them.
What is it going to take?, she thought. I wish I had never felt this. "It is better to than loved and lost, then to have never have loved at all."
I would have rather never loved you, then feel this. I would have rather died then have ever met you.
I'm trying so hard to look at this as an experience. As something I've learned from. A mistake that I can't let myself ever make again. But all I can feel is
Pain. It's always with me, I can't ever shake it. Do you feel it? Pain of loss, longing, and love. Pain that lingers in all the wrong places. This body wasn't made to cope with this kind of hurt. Everyday brings a new insecurity, a new wound I didn't know I had. I feel as if I'll never be able to
Breathe. I can't breathe around you. Subconsciously, on a level I didn't know I had, my lungs sink farther into my chest, and I just can't breathe. I can't get rid of
You. You did this to me. I hate you so much, even worse than hating you, I hate that I loved you.
She stood up slowly, stretching her arms around her chest. She took a moment to clear her head, rotating her neck back and forth, trying to release some of the pressure. Sleep never came easy to her, but that's what she had in mind as she walked around her empty home, finding a suitable place to rest. She passed her bathroom and opted for a shower.
Walking into the bathroom, she looked in the mirror and brushed her hair out of her face, examining her weary eyes. Dark circles were painted underneath them. She sighed deeply, and began to remove her clothes. Slowly, she turned the faucet of the shower and waited silently for the water to become hot enough. It was rarely hot enough. Steam filled the bathroom, fogging the mirror and window. The condensation pressed against her body and she could feel herself draining, slowly. Stepping into the shower, she immediately let the full force of the water rage down against her skin, each drop feeling like a needle. A dry sob escaped her chest, and water pelted her face, mixing with the tears that were escaping from her lids.
"I'm done."
There are days where I wonder why I'm even here.
I need a good cry, but I just can't make the tears come.
I wish I knew where my feelings where, there aren't where I left them last.
I'm 26 days away from 18. I'm not even an adult, but I swear, the weight of my life is just dragging my down. I miss my mom and my sisters. I miss Ian, all the time. I'm talking to other guys, and it's just making me feel worse. Hannah's gone all week. She keeps me grounded, so I think my head is going to be up in the clouds until she comes back.
I work too much. I need a break.
I've decided to start writing again. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm carrying some anxiety about it as well. We'll see what happens.
Ian and I are done. For good. Shit happens, I guess.
Lauren's really rad. I can see her becoming a good friend of mine.
Jimmy's on my nerves, but what else is new? I think it just confirms that in my make shift family, he's my big brother. He's annoying and is mean to me and beats me up. But at the same time, he genuinely cares about me. I think that sums up a big brother.
That's about it.
I'm excited for summer.
