I am waiting for something to go wrong
I am waiting for familiar resolve
I am waiting for another repeat
Another diet fed by crippling defeat
I am waiting for that sense of relief.
That song never stops relating to everyday of my life.
Things are moving really slow for me right now. I'm not sure what to do, or what to really say to anyone. Everything that comes out of my mouth just seems to be repeated. I'm not doing anything with myself. School is getting better, slowly. I'm trying, but it's a little too late. The end of the quarter is this week. I'm fucked as far as I can tell. Next quarter will be better, I hope.
I'm always tired. It seems like I never sleep. My brain is functioning at two very polar settings; it's either moving so fast that I can barely keep track of what's going on in my head, or things are running at such a slow rate that I feel like everyone is moving past me. I seems like I can't sleep; I wake up periodically and keep having weird dreams, but when I'm 'sleeping', it's for almost 10 hours at a time. I don't feel the need to get out of bed and work my way through the day. Everyday is exactly the same, and no matter how much I try and shake myself out of this routine that I've let myself fall into, I can't get out of it. Subconsciously, I don't think I want out of it. It's unhealthy though, and it just isn't doing anything for me.
Still not official with Ian. Slowly, he's ripping me apart, and he doesn't even realize it. He cares for me, but not enough, I think. I can't keep waiting for him, but I just don't want to like anyone else. I don't want to date, be in a relationship, fool around, get mad at, be aggravated with; I don't want to fall for anyone else but him. I gave him an ultimatum; thus far he's chosen to ignore it. I've come to the conclusion that if he really wanted to make things work with me, he would. So I'm led to believe he doesn't. It's only been a few weeks since we last really talked about us, but I feel like I've been waiting for so long that it's just futile at this point. I'm done. I can't take a whole lot more of this. I know I can do better than him. I just don't want to.
I'm missing something, deep inside. Maybe it's my family. But I feel like the hole that has always been in my chest is just tearing at the seams, and getting larger and larger with each passing day. This gaping hole is going to swallow me up, and I don't know if I'm going to have the willpower to stop it.
I'm tired of hurting.
Our legs begin to break
We've walked this path for far too long
My lungs, they start to ache
But still we carry on
I'm choking on my words
Like I got a noose around my neck
I can't believe it's come to this
And dear, I fear
That this ship is sinking tonight
It's weird how much things just keep changing for me. Just when I think I'm beginning to regain some sense of stability, something comes up and just fucks me up, all over again.
I'm doing horrible in school right now, and I'm really scared that if I don't get my shit together soon, I'm not going to walk. I need to graduate. I didn't bust my ass for 12 years, ace my tests and land myself in college level classes to not graduate. It's just really difficult for me to get to school, and when my weekends are starting to look the same as my weeknights, I know I need to rearrange my priorities. As much as I love spending time with Ian and Mike, and who ever else happens to be over there, I need to just go home some nights. I can't wake up in the mornings, and when I do make it to school, I'm comatose for the majority of the class period.
Ian and I hooked up the other night. It's been months since the last time, and even though we talked for what seemed like hours about what it meant to us, I'm still not sure what it means for me. It's too late for me to walk away from this now; I can't just get up and leave this situation where it's at. I'm too invested. What it's come down to is this: I'm going to sacrifice every wall I have and give us a try, or he's going to break me. Don't mistake me, the only person to blame if I get hurt at the end of this is me, but regardless, it's going to be a whole lot of suffering on my part. And I am absolutely terrified. I try and stay pessimistic, so when I fall, it's that much easier for me to get back up and keep moving. But I've let myself get hopeful and that's put me in a position of severe vulnerability.
Everyone is incredibly worried about me. I appreciate that I have friends who want to take care of me. Lately, I know I've presented a more helpless attitude, considering the circumstances that I've had dealt to me. I'm not sure either Appi or Hannah believe me when I tell them that I can handles this, and that I'm more than capable of making my own decisions, and my own mistakes, whichever this one turns out to be. It's fifty/fifty at this point.
I'm really ready for a new job. I'm so comfortable where I'm at, but incredibly unsatisfied all the time. Jake started last week, and already he has my shifts. I'm so tired of this bullshit. I'm a far better, more efficient employee than he is, but for some reason, he's got my weekday closing shifts. Nobody can stand him, 'cept for Matt and Appi, and sometimes I wonder if his own parents even like him. He's a generally nice guy, though. Kind of annoying, but the only thing I really have against him is that fact that he was fired for being an idiot, then rehired at a starting wage of 7.50. That's how much Ian makes, and he's been there longer than Jake, even when he was still working last year. It's irritating. Hopefully Brit gets back on the schedule soon and I can have my shifts back. Then I won't be nearly as hateful towards him :)
Okay, so I don't know how much any of you are really into metal, but there's this song I cannot stop listening to. It's by a UK bank, Bring Me The Horizon. It's called 'The Sadness Will Never End'. Also, check out Manchester Orchestra's newish song, off their E.P., 'I Can Feel A Hot One'. So good. 232 plays, and it's been on my pod a week. It's that good :D
